Confused

I thought for the longest time I knew what I wanted to do with my life.

My junior year of high school I was put into a class that was my last choice for my scehdule, creative writing. I didn't expect much out of the class but a couple of half-assed poems and a short story or two. However, after a few weeks sitting in a stuffy room my mind changed. I started to enjoy it. I started to believe in my writing skills and enjoy putting words on paper that mean something.

I started to think that college was coming up and that I didn't want to be that person at gradaution with 'Undecided' showing under their name, it just felt embrassing and lazy. So I started to think I kinda need to decide what I wanna study in college.

By the end of the semester I knew what I wanted. That creative writing class changed my life. It gave me the thing I've been looking for for what seemed like forever, answers. I finally decided I wanted to be a writer. This was all thanks to my awesome teacher Mrs. Roberts :) I loved how words could inspire people and I wanted to do just that, make someone believe in something.

I felt so accomplished and ready to take on college because i knew the field of study I wanted. I knew what I wanted to strive for and what I wanted to accomplish. This feeling lasted for 2 and a half years. The feeling of knowing and possibilites.

I went to college in the major of English- creative writing. I thought that was perfect because the class that made me take this was in fact a creative writing class.  I thought this would be a perfect fit and I'd be on the path of success. This only lasted a month.

I started to fall out of love with writing and I lost inspiration. I felt like my light started going out and I didnt know how to reignite it. I was so confused and asked "Why do i feel this way, I love writing?!" I started questioning everything I believed for the past two and half years. I felt lost.

My nights and bursts of inspiration came to me less often and I felt pity. I didn't like this feeling. I hadn't written on my blog in forever or really journal as often. I didn't feel like me. Within my classes I felt forced to like English becasue every 5 seconds the teacher would say, "You're an English major so you have to...." blah blah blah. Everytime she brought it up I would cringe at the fact and I couldn't understand why. I love english, its always been my favorite subject even when I was growing up, so i really couldnt wrap my head around my thoughts.

I started to feel like English was no longer just MY thing. I knew it always wasn't just my fortay but somehow I believed it was always soemthing personal within me, like my own little secret garden I could escape to when feeling sad. I started to feel like people were invading that garden and killing all my flowers and plants that resembled my thoughts and opinions. I no longer felt like I had a passion for the subject and I am a passionate person, you guys know that. I did not feel like myself.

I knew something had to change, but I wasn't sure what or how to go about finding out. At first I started talking to friends in my classes that also felt the same way and planned to switch majors. I thought hey maybe I should try that. But again I was still stuck. What was I supposed to switch to? If I thought I wanted to be a writer for so long, how am I supposed to know what I want to switch to before next semester. Dont forget that the first semester is halfway over and Im running out of time.

I panicked. I didn't know who to ask or who to go to because I am the only one who knows what I truly want. I started to ask my dad and he said English teacher and I thought, maybe, but do I really want to deal with kids? I wasn't quite sure.

I think my biggest delimma was the fast I didn't know what else I liked enough to possibly make a carrer out of it. So i pushed it away, the thoughts and feelings that encompassed it. I decided to throw myself into things to get my mind of it, like painting. I started painting a lot more and then reading more books. I wanted my thoughts to float somewhere else for awhile.

Then I got an email from my academic advisor that made the thoughts come back. I had to figure it out before spring semester scheduling. After weeks of thought and serious stress, I finally decided.

Communications is the major I'll be switching to my sophomore year of college. I decided on this for many reasons:
1. It is broad, meaning it has multiple options for after graduating. It gives me more options to choose from within the college.
- Although the thing that sucks is it seems that all we think about when going into college is how is this gonna land me a job once i graduate. Instead of studying what you truly enjoy.
2. It something I was debating about earlier - Funny thing is I thought about doing this as my major going into my freshmen year anyway so in a way it kinda worked itself out.
3. I enjoy talking - This kinda speaks for itself. It is the college of communications and you can learn a lot from that and make a job out of that and speak your mind.

Overall I feel way better now as I am typing this. I feel like I see my true path up ahead on the road of life. I just happened to take a short detour that I dont at all regret. I learned a lot throughout the time I was in english and i appreicate the teachers I had. They taught me things I never expected.

I now feel inspired and better about myself then I did 2 months ago. I'm starting to feel like myself again and I feel blessed.

Do not be afraid to switch things around. It is going to be scary, but life is scary. You can't go you're whole life without taking risks, there would be no fun in that!

So challenge yourself to take a risk whether it be big or small and always remember to be yourself and be brave!

xoxo Haley