I am writing this exactly a week before my 4 year diagnosis anniversary. Today I just happened to go to a website called Caring Bridge. If any of you remember this website, it was used back in 2016 by my family in order to share news about my first battle with cancer. I haven't read it in 3 years, but I am glad I went back and looked. Damn, you guys are so nice. It was really special to be able to go back and read the things people said about me and all the prayers and thoughts that people were passing on. I know my mom was the most frequent poster, but I could see all the comments and they made me smile. A few made me laugh so hard because they just reminded me of who my family is. I used to hate Caring Bridge because I wanted to keep my cancer journey out of the eyes of extended family and people who I knew were just interested in why I was missing so much school. I didn't want to be known as the person who had cancer. But eventually that secret was just too much of a burden and I let everyone know through Instagram (pretty sure this is still my most liked/commented on post) and let my family create a Caring Bridge page. During these posts I wouldn't read or hear about a single thing being written because I didn't want to hear all those nice things. It made me feel pitied and sad. I didn't like having people who knew me as someone else, read about all the struggles I was going through. It felt too vulnerable for me. But now as I look at it, I am glad it was made. I am glad it made my mom feel like she had someone to talk to. I am glad it was something that people could come onto and share their wishes for me. I am also glad it made connections for fundraisers and other great events. I am glad I could look back on it and understand what my family was going through. I am glad it was there for people when I couldn't be.
4 years is crazy to think about because 4 years ago I was in a hospital getting a chest scan waiting for my results. Then hours later I got some shit results that really took me by surprise. But now, 4 years later, I have changed so much. I mean even the decade freaking changed. I used to think that things in life were given to you because I grew up lucky and with people and things surrounding me that gave me security. But over time I learned that is the biggest mother f'in lie I've ever heard. Nothing in life is given to you for free. The first day of my last semester of college I was in a storytelling class (my class of the semester if you were curious). We read something called the spoon theory. The basis of the story is that you are only given a set amount of spoons each day when you are living with an illness. Anything you do can take that spoon away so you have to be conscious of the choices you make. You have to think about choices that the rest of the world, living healthy, don't have to. Not only that but you have to keep an extra spoon in your pocket because living with illness is unpredictable and you are only healthy until you are not. That brings me back to my point, nothing in life is just given to you, not even health. We have to work hard to keep ourselves healthy and always keep an extra spoon in case of an emergency. Yes, there are some things, like cancer, that are unpredictable but I've learned health is not just an diagnosis and then a treatment to fix it. Sure health is about your physical body, but it is so much more. Health is mind, love, happiness, sadness, eating right, exercising, resting, safety, support group, surviving and so many other things. Health is something that we have to work at because it isn't always guaranteed just like life. It is making sure our mind is healthy and our family and friends are there for us and us there for them. Yes, things such as cancer can put a wrench in our paths, but it is how we get out of these things that show us who we are.
We are not our disease, our illness, or our biggest struggle. We are human beings with feelings, thoughts, dreams, and goals. We are so much more than the worst thing that has happened to us. One of my worst fears when I was diagnosed was not death (although that is fucking terrifying), it was being labeled. Now usually I do not care what people think of me, but cancer was so scary that I thought it would consume me. There are still some things that happen or someone says something and it unintentionally reminds me of my past, but only for a moment. Then I find someway to reorganize myself and find the way back to reality. But at first being seen as 'the girl with cancer' was not only scary, but humiliating. A teen girl loses her hair and looks unhealthy. It was not the ideal look for my senior year of high school. I didn't want that to be the only thing people remember me for. I was so much more than that. I was spunky, sassy, kind, smart, a bookworm, a friend, and a student. Not to toot my horn, but I'd like to think i was pretty great. :)
Now in 2020, 4 years later, I am less than 100 days from graduating from college. I will have accomplished my biggest dream (for now, i always have more dreams). The thing I have been fighting for the most in the last 4 years and It is finally happening. I remember the first time I relapsed, we were in the hospital preparing for my stem cell transplant. I had my laptop and my binder out preparing to do homework which involved coding a whole website. I was tired, annoyed, and anxious about started chemo the following day, but all I could think about is this class is just one step closer to my degree. Furthermore, I firmly disagree in the idea that 'C's get degrees' because I am only looking for that 'A' and maybe an occasional 'B.' Either way all I wanted to do was graduate college because although I graduated high school, it wasn't the perfect way to end it. Even though my college career has been so far from perfect its nuts, it is mine. Cancer may be following me around, but I am leading. I am walking my own path, creating my own future, being the person I have always wanted to be before all this started.
Cancer may be a real bitch, but I am the baddest bitch so cheers to creating your own path and to 4 years of being here... :)
XOXO Haley
