4 years

I have been thinking a lot about the last 4 years of my life. Not the 4 years of high school or my 4 years of college, but the 4 years of living with cancer. It is crazy because in the wide scope of life 4 years is nothing. But in reality that is quite a good chunk of time, especially in dealing with a severe illness.

I am writing this exactly a week before my 4 year diagnosis anniversary. Today I just happened to go to a website called Caring Bridge. If any of you remember this website, it was used back in 2016 by my family in order to share news about my first battle with cancer. I haven't read it in 3 years, but I am glad I went back and looked. Damn, you guys are so nice. It was really special to be able to go back and read the things people said about me and all the prayers and thoughts that people were passing on. I know my mom was the most frequent poster, but I could see all the comments and they made me smile. A few made me laugh so hard because they just reminded me of who my family is. I used to hate Caring Bridge because I wanted to keep my cancer journey out of the eyes of extended family and people who I knew were just interested in why I was missing so much school. I didn't want to be known as the person who had cancer. But eventually that secret was just too much of a burden and I let everyone know through Instagram (pretty sure this is still my most liked/commented on post) and let my family create a Caring Bridge page. During these posts I wouldn't read or hear about a single thing being written because I didn't want to hear all those nice things. It made me feel pitied and sad. I didn't like having people who knew me as someone else, read about all the struggles I was going through. It felt too vulnerable for me. But now as I look at it, I am glad it was made. I am glad it made my mom feel like she had someone to talk to. I am glad it was something that people could come onto and share their wishes for me. I am also glad it made connections for fundraisers and other great events. I am glad I could look back on it and understand what my family was going through. I am glad it was there for people when I couldn't be.

4 years is crazy to think about because 4 years ago I was in a hospital getting a chest scan waiting for my results. Then hours later I got some shit results that really took me by surprise. But now, 4 years later, I have changed so much. I mean even the decade freaking changed. I used to think that things in life were given to you because I grew up lucky and with people and things surrounding me that gave me security. But over time I learned that is the biggest mother f'in lie I've ever heard. Nothing in life is given to you for free. The first day of my last semester of college I was in a storytelling class (my class of the semester if you were curious). We read something called the spoon theory. The basis of the story is that you are only given a set amount of spoons each day when you are living with an illness. Anything you do can take that spoon away so you have to be conscious of the choices you make. You have to think about choices that the rest of the world, living healthy, don't have to. Not only that but you have to keep an extra spoon in your pocket because living with illness is unpredictable and you are only healthy until you are not. That brings me back to my point, nothing in life is just given to you, not even health. We have to work hard to keep ourselves healthy and always keep an extra spoon in case of an emergency. Yes, there are some things, like cancer, that are unpredictable but I've learned health is not just an diagnosis and then a treatment to fix it. Sure health is about your physical body, but it is so much more. Health is mind, love, happiness, sadness, eating right, exercising, resting, safety, support group, surviving and so many other things. Health is something that we have to work at because it isn't always guaranteed just like life. It is making sure our mind is healthy and our family and friends are there for us and us there for them. Yes, things such as cancer can put a wrench in our paths, but it is how we get out of these things that show us who we are.

We are not our disease, our illness, or our biggest struggle. We are human beings with feelings, thoughts, dreams, and goals. We are so much more than the worst thing that has happened to us. One of my worst fears when I was diagnosed was not death (although that is fucking terrifying), it was being labeled. Now usually I do not care what people think of me, but cancer was so scary that I thought it would consume me. There are still some things that happen or someone says something and it unintentionally reminds me of my past, but only for a moment. Then I find someway to reorganize myself and find the way back to reality. But at first being seen as 'the girl with cancer' was not only scary, but humiliating. A teen girl loses her hair and looks unhealthy. It was not the ideal look for my senior year of high school. I didn't want that to be the only thing people remember me for. I was so much more than that. I was spunky, sassy, kind, smart, a bookworm, a friend, and a student. Not to toot my horn, but I'd like to think i was pretty great. :)

Now in 2020, 4 years later, I am less than 100 days from graduating from college. I will have accomplished my biggest dream (for now, i always have more dreams). The thing I have been fighting for the most in the last 4 years and It is finally happening. I remember the first time I relapsed, we were in the hospital preparing for my stem cell transplant. I had my laptop and my binder out preparing to do homework which involved coding a whole website. I was tired, annoyed, and anxious about started chemo the following day, but all I could think about is this class is just one step closer to my degree. Furthermore, I firmly disagree in the idea that 'C's get degrees' because I am only looking for that 'A' and maybe an occasional 'B.' Either way all I wanted to do was graduate college because although I graduated high school, it wasn't the perfect way to end it. Even though my college career has been so far from perfect its nuts, it is mine. Cancer may be following me around, but I am leading. I am walking my own path, creating my own future, being the person I have always wanted to be before all this started.

Cancer may be a real bitch, but I am the baddest bitch so cheers to creating your own path and to 4 years of being here... :)

XOXO Haley

"It was the end of a decade, but the start of an age"

The last few days I have been getting super sentimental over the fact that the decade ends today. 10 years is a really long time and thinking about how fast it has all gone by has me thinking about a lot of different things. Some things including the people I met, the family I have lost, the struggles I have been through and gotten through, and so much more. I cannot believe it has been 10 years, it feels like 5, but I am 21 years old. At the start of the decade I was 11. I was naive, closed off to the world, and scared. I was in sixth grade and probably doing really poorly in Mrs. Gavagan's math class. I was small and really didn't know what living was like. All I knew was school at 7 am, volleyball, and hanging with friends. I didn't know shit about the world. A lot can change in 10 years though.

I remember being in middle school when the biggest thing I had to worry about was making sure on the last day of school I qualified for field day. I wanted to be out with the other kids playing with my team. Now, I worry about bills, graduating college, and finding my path in life. Those are on the complete opposite ends of the spectrum. One is playful and innocent, one is grown and bold. Except the thought of finding my path in the new year has me exciting something I haven't felt in this big of a way in a long time. I cannot wait to find where I am supposed to me and who I am supposed to become! It is an adventure I am ready for!

Something I have been thinking about is technology. I remember when it was nothing. They hadn't advanced very far and my phone included a phone where the keyboard had to be pushed up. We also couldn't get the internet on our phones and the most entertaining thing on the computer was the CD games our parents bought us or club penguin where you planned to meet your friends after school. It is crazy how far we have come since then. We can now access everything from one device. Don't get me wrong, it is incredible. It makes school, work, and life easier. But we have to remember, especially as technology advances, that we are people first. We are meant to interact and make real, in-person connections. Do not forget the ones you have right in front of you because you never know when they'll be gone. Find that balance, I know I am still trying to.

2019 specifically has been an odd year. I have had some really terrible things happen this year like losing my grandma and my friend or like going through a whole new cancer treatment process. But, I have had a lot of good things happen like seeing concerts of favored artists or traveled to new cities with new friends. I have made mistakes and made choices. I have been proud and I have felt failure. It has been a year of up and downs, but all of the decade has.

Not one single year has been perfect. We like to ignore all the hardship we have to find this perfect picture of our life, but that it just isn't true and I would hope we would all know this or at least learned it. Each year of the last 10 something has gone wrong and right. But that is life, ya know? Ups and downs, they say life is like a roller coaster and what a cliche that is. But most cliches are cliches for a reason right? And just because we go down, doesn't mean we fail or lose. It just means we have to work harder to get back up. Then the rewards will be so sweet, it will make all that hard work worth it.

I think a big thing I have learned over the last decade is that you have to work really damn hard to get where you want to go. Things do not get handed to you on this sliver platter, you have to figure it out. You are the only person who can cause your own success. You ace that test, you get that job, or you get out of that rut. YOU are the person you can count on. You are the one who creates their own success, not others. So, trust your gut and trust in who you are because at the end of the day that is who will always be there.

Like I said before I lost some things this decade including my grandma, my friend Sean, and my health. All of these happening within the last 4 years. It is crazy to me how much you can lose through your life time and then they are just gone. When I got sick in 2016 I lost my freedom, my health safety because at 17 you never assume that you will get an incurable disease. It ism't in the about-to-become-an-adult pamphlet. So I had to adapt and grow this whole new life. A life that I didn't ask for and to be honest I don't want. It has taken things from me, things I cannot reverse and get back. Not only that but in 2019 I lost two people I loved. My friend Sean, who I have known since I was 6. Too young, too precious. I love him and miss him everyday. I remember when I had a major crush on him and we had silly little middle school relationships. I will never forget the butterflies I felt as a little kid when he would talk to me. He taught me to laugh at things and to be kind to one another. We were friends throughout our lifetimes and I miss him more and more everyday. Then I lost my grandma on my mom's side. I haven't talked much about it because It just happened in December of 2019. It has been hard to not be able to visit her anymore, something we did so regularly. I remember at the start of the decade where all we would do was play go fish, war, and Yahtzee catching her cheating at least once. She used to stay with us for months and it is weird to think of not seeing her anymore. But I know she is happy, her and Sean. They found their way back home and I am sure they have met up with some of their loved ones in Heaven. I wholeheartedly believe that.

Like I said I have gone through a lot in the last 10 years, good and bad. But I think that these last 10 years have been wonderful. They have brought me so many good things like friends who I couldn't imagine my life without, a high school diploma and semester-away college degree, and beating cancer three times! I have never been more grateful for all the things that has happened to me. This decade has brought some of the best things including music, books, advancements, and memories. I will cherish the things I have experienced and learned forever. This decade has changed me. I have survived and I will continue to do so as many years as God will let me.

I want to take a moment to thank the people who surround me with so much love. My parents who never give up on me. My siblings who are always there for me no matter what. My extended family who never fail to check in with me. Rose who has never hurt me. Jessica who I lean on when times are tough. Sarah who gives me strength. Anna who no matter where we are shows me love. You guys are the reason I stay grounded. You are the reason I survive every single day. I love you all.

Lets make this decade the best yet. See you in 2020!

p.s more writing in 2020!

Remembering Might Destroy Her (book nook)

Hey guys its time for another book review in order to catch up to the books I am currently reading. I finished this one in early September, so I still got a little ways to catch up. This one is "Six Months Later" by Natalie D. Richards. I have never read her stuff before, but this book made me want to explore her as an author.

This book is about a junior in high school who falls asleep in study hall one day in the spring and wakes up and it's winter and she has missed the past 6 months of her life. She has a boyfriend she doesn't remember getting, a friend who she feels a strange connection with, and a best friend who now hates her. What happened the last 6 months and why does she not remember anything? She changed into something she doesn't recognize, but she is ready to figure out what the hell happened and find her old self in the process.

This book was a roller coaster because I was trying to guess the whole time what the hell the ending could be. Why did she forget everything about the past 6 months? What was the author's plan? I was so fascinated and interested into how she was going to write this strange concept. I was excited. Without giving away too much information, WHOA. This story was insane and kept me on my feet. It wasn't scary or a thriller, but it was interesting almost scientific in a way. This novel gives you something I have never really read before, a twist on high school. I have read about murders and mysteries, but never about amnesia. This girl doesn't remember 6 months of her life, how is that possible? The concept alone is incredible. I give props to Richards for thinking of it and executing it really well. I definitely recommend cause i was constantly astounded and turning pages.

Favorite Character: Chloe, the main character, and Adam the resident bad boy of the story. Each had their own unique characteristics that drew me to them. Chloe's tenacity and Adam's charming personality. However, what I liked the most was them together as a unit. Their scenes were the most powerful and special to me in the whole story. It gave the book dimension and interesting character relationships.

Favorite Quote: "This is not okay. Anytime you spend four hours getting poked and prodded while wearing a gown that leaves your butt flapping in the breeze, things are not okay."

READ. A. BOOK.

Murder in the Woods (book nook)

You guys are in for a ride if you decide to read "The Cabin" by Nastaha Preston. Now I have read Preston's books before including her famous novel, "The Cellar" but this one might even top that. Buckle up y'all.

This story is about a group of friends who decide to take a small trip to a cabin the woods. They are all close friends, but everyone has secrets right? This book takes you on a roller coaster because guess what? Murder happens in the cabin. The gang is partying like normal teens and then they wake up and 2 of them are dead. What happened? Who did it? All eyes are on the mysterious brother of one of the victims. He wasn't their friend, but Mackenzie the main character, feels different. She knows he didn't do, but then who did? Read to find out.

Wow y'all when I say this book was crazy, I do mean crazy. Towards the end, there is a plot twist that made me throw the book to the ground. I was in complete shock and had to pause to take in the events that were unfolding. This book was filled with drama, mystery, and crime. I also loved that Preston had the main character, Mackenzie, act as Nancy Drew. She was trying to put all the pieces together, just like the reader is. It almost felt like you were Mackenzie and trying to find out who did it. Every time something happened, you felt like you were in the story. That is something I really love about Natasha Preston's writing is that she really makes you feel a part of the novel. I read this book in 3 days. Every time I picked it up, I didn't want to put it down. It is such a good thriller, keeping you on your toes every single chapter. This may be my favorite book of Preston's yet. I have some more of her books on my shelf that I'm super excited to explore. We will have to read and see how they compare to this one. It'll be a tough one to beat.

Wow, go read this. If you love thrillers and books that make you keep turning the pages this is such a good choice. I rate this 9/10 and I only deduct it one point because THE ENDING. I just wish the ending gave us a little more closure to some of the characters. It was such a put together ending and it made sense, but it was just me being hopeful and wanting to know the real aftermath of all the events. Enough babbling, get reading!

Favorite Character: Mackenzie because she never gives up even though she went through a huge tragedy. She believes in whatever she wants and won't stop until the truth is revealed. She also doesn't ignore her heart, which I find admiral. She is fun, strong, and smart. Great character and loved reading in her perspective.

Favorite Quotes: "There is no set way to behave when you lost someone you loved."

"'We're going to be OK' was one of the most overused phrases, but also one of the truest. No matter what happened, how deeply something hurt you, the world continued to spin, and you would continue to breathe. Things might be awful for a while -sometimes a long while- but eventually, you would be able to function again."

Friends or Something More? (book nook)

Guys, I have been continuously reading as I try to catch up on these reviews. This was actually the 12th book I completed this year and today (10-6-19) I am currently reading my 16th book. So I do have some catching up to do. I promise I am trying my best. But for now, here is today's review. It is the book, "Just Friends" by Billy Taylor. This author is someone I have seen all over the internet with cute quotes and everyone was posting quotes from his books. He had been on my list to read for awhile now, so I finally ordered one of his most popular. It did not disappoint.

It has been a few months since I read it, but it is about 2 friends, August and Ethan. They have been friends since they were 7 and they've been inseparable ever since. August is a wanna be actress who gets her big break in America, staring in a movie with one of her favorite directors. Some tragic stuff happens and through it all, August learns she may want to be more than friends. I can't tell you anymore without giving something juicy away, so you're just going to have to read the book.

This book was genuinely the cutest story I have read in awhile. I didn't know when I picked out the book that Billy Taylor was British and so were his characters. I could hear their accents in his writing, it was quite nice. I loved the character development and relationship growth you see in August and Ethan. It really shows how their relationships changes as their situations and circumstances change. Honestly, this book was so cute, it made me feel EXTREMELY single. It didn't bother me that it was super lovely dovey because it was great to see. Not all relationships, platonic or romantic, are like this anymore. It was nice to read about. I give this book 8/10 and I think it is a quick read, that y'all would enjoy. However, if you don't like cute stuff, it might be too corny for you. As for all you hopeless romantics out there, go get this!!

Favorite Character: Ethan because he is so fun and chill. Even with the craziness that his life is, he always stays grounded and has a good head on his shoulders. I also love that he is fun and spontaneous. I mean he is a magician you guys.

Favorite Quotes: "Life would be so much easier if we had the courage to ask the questions we fear the most."

Be a Bawse (book nook)

Hello everyone. The next few blog posts will be me playing catch up. I have been reading, I swear. To be honest, I could never stop reading, however, I did stop writing for a bit. But now I am back and ready to write about the books I read while I was gone. Each in a separate post, including the one I already posted about Harry Potter series. So, here we go:

I had just spent 6ish months in the wizarding world and I was officially done. I wanted my first book after the series to be mellow, maybe not even fictional. So I decided to read "How to be a Bawse" by Lilly Singh. Lilly is a youtuber turned entrepreneur. I found her videos back when I was a freshmen in high school, which was 2012 (omg I'm old). She was funny, energetic, and happy. I was intrigued and I binged her videos for hours. Moving back to present day, I still watch her videos and follow her story all the way to night time tv. She has truly flourished in her career and life. I am so proud. 

One of the things that she did in her career was write this book. It is a "self help" book on how to be a bawse, not a boss, but a BAWSE. Bawse is a powerful person who makes the right moves and conquers life everyday. Lilly had mastered being a bawse, so she wants to pass on her wisdom. I truly liked the book, however, I feel like I am already a bawse. However, her stories and wisdom really did impact me. Her 'out of the blue' chapters recall times where she was really depressed. Then she would write a counter to that same incident in a lighter picture. It was amazing to see the growth and be shown that no matter how dark it gets, you can always find the light. Don't give up, bawse's never do.

This book is impactful and I recommend it to anyone who wants to learn how to take control of who you are and embrace that wholeheartedly. It is a powerful thing to be yourself, so in doing that, you are one step closer to becoming a BAWSE.


Never give up you guys, even when it seems dark. I love you bawse's \
xoxo -haley

Wizarding World (book nook)

Hello muggles! I am here today to finally talk about my adventures reading the Harry Potter series for the first time! My sister had read it when it first came out and had been bugging me for years to just read it. Therefore, I set it as one of my resolutions of 2019 to finish the series this year. I had a goal and I was set, ready to dive into the wizarding world. I had seen all of the Harry Potter movies, but I didn't remember a lot of it because I hadn't seen them in a very long time. So, most things were a surprise to me, especially later in the series. In this post, I want to break down each book one by one and tell you my thoughts. Although, I'm sure you all have read these books already and if you haven't GO DO IT! To put things in perspective I read all 7 books from February to July. That is 4,224 pages in six months. That is how good they are.

THERE WILL BE SPOILERS. I WARNED YOU!

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone:
I read the first book in the series in less than 24 hours it was THAT good. It was filled with so much fun and I was so happy for Harry when he found out he was a wizard. His muggle family sucked, so I was so excited for him to finally be himself. I was one book in and I was already obsessed.
Favorite Quote: "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."
"'to the well organized mind, death is but the next great adventure."
"It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends."

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets:
Spoiler alert, this is my favorite book from the series. It was the first time we truly saw Voldemort's power in Tom Riddle. Also, I love when Harry and Ron were visiting Hermonie in the hospital wing and they finally put all the pieces together. I loved that part, it was incredible. I just liked that they finally had all the answers and they were about to kick some ass even if they were only 14! I also love the way Harry defeats the Basilisk, so powerful. Just the tip of the iceberg with Harry's badassery. INCREDIBLE.
Favorite Quote: "When in doubt, go to the library."
"It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban: 
This book is, no surprise, also incredible. A lot of people said this one was their favorite in the series and I understand why. First, it has so many new fascinating characters like Remus and Sirius Black, whom I both love. Also, it has so many interesting secrets and plot twists like when they time travel. I remember watching this movie as a kid and it being my favorite because of the time travel, it was so cool to see it. However, I will say the book is MUCH better than the movie, although I really did like the movie a lot. I won't spoil the ending, but wow. Amazing.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire:
This book is long as hell, but every single page was quite fun. I love the premise of this book because it isn't just about Voldemort, although he is in it, it is about the Goblet of Fire games! The games they play and all it entails is such a cool way to continue the wizard story. I also LOVE the scene where Harry's name emerges from the goblet of fire and everyone is like WTF. Then towards the end one of the chapters ends with 'Voldemort has risen,' and I ACTUALLY LOST MY SHIT. I knew it was coming, but reading it gave me chills and that whole scene in the maze was jaw dropping. Harry's blood, cutting arms, death, and death eaters. WOW. Also, this one has dragons and I love a good dragon.
Favorite Quote: "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: 
When I finished book 4 and pulled book 5 off my shelf I was not prepared for as long as this novel was. This book is the longest of the series and to be honest my least favorite. It isn't because of the length, it is more about the fluff that J.K Rowling had in the beginning. There are like 350 pages of book before Harry and his friends even get to Hogwarts. It just seemed so extensive, but I also understand. I still loved this book, but it was a struggle to get through. This book definitely took the longest to read out of them all. My favorite part is when Harry and his friends are in the Ministry of Magic and they are fighting all the death eaters. That scene had me reading so fast and had me on my toes. HOWEVER, some characters died that I was SUPER sad about. :( Overall, a great story, just suuuuuper long.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: 
Y'all this book is a home run. I loved every part of this because some of my favorite parts of the books were the characters finally putting all the pieces together and the 6th book was filled with that. Dumbledore and Harry's relationship grew closer as he shared things with him and I love Dumbledore so much. He is one of my favorite characters and SPOILER ALERT: he dies and I cried. Snape is such a bitch in this book. I don't know whether I love snape or hate him, my feelings go back and forth the whole series. I know he has good intentions sometimes, but it's hard to trust him. Also, my brother-in-law, the whole time I was reading this book, he kept asking me if I knew who the half-blood prince was and I didn't till I read it and my jaw dropped. DAMN, SUCH A GOOD PLOT LINE!! SO GOOD.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows:
Here I was at the last book. It was a long 6 months of reading and I have loved every page of it! The last book was so bittersweet to me because I was filled with so much happiness and sadness. I was happy to have finished, but sad I had finished. This book was all about the battle of Hogwarts and defeating Voldemort once and for all. There were twists every page I turned and it was a rollercoaster of emotions. When Voldemort stops the battle to speak to everyone and then to Harry directly, it gave me CHILLS. He says, "I speak now, Harry Potter, directly to you. You have permitted your friends to die for you rather than face me yourself......" and gives a big speech and it is something I'll never forget reading. It is such a powerful scene because Harry decides to sacrifice himself and goes to Voldemort. The whole part where Harry talks to his family who had died made me tear up and then the ending had me IN TEARS. I was heartbroken and lost when I finished the book because I knew I would never experience reading it for the first time ever again. The last book was a special read for me.

Overall, the Harry Potter changed my life as a reader. I feel different, in the best way, after completing the series. I loved every twist and turn and battle and Quidditch game. Thank you to all the people that told me to read these books. I thank you for pushing me forward and convincing me to make the best decision ever. I'm so happy with these stories and the world I entered through them. It is something special.

P.S. I'm in Gryffindor House and I am not sorry about it :)

xoxo Haley