Happy College Graduation!!!

On May 2nd, 2020 I was supposed to walk to stage at the Athens Convocation Center. Unfortunately due to corona I was unable to do that as a graduating senior of Ohio University. At first, I was disappointed and angry, all my hard work would go unnoticed with no celebration or no speeches in honor of the class of 2020. I was the first kid in my family that actually wanted to go to commencement and alas another senior year disaster. Over time, I continued to adapt to the obstacles that came along with online classes and ending a senior year by hitting a submit button. It was not easy and prematurely living at home is not something I thought I'd have to do, but I have never lived by life the easy way.

When I learned that my graduation ceremony was no longer happening I knew I had to do something in order to celebrate my accomplishments. I decided to order a cap and gown on amazon and take a ton of pictures in order to cope with the loss. In those moments of decorating my cap, throwing my hat in the air, and flashing a smile I still was sad. I couldn't help thinking about what could have been.

When I turned in my last college assignment it was immensely bittersweet. I sat in front of my computer, telling the rest of my group that "it's okay I'll turn it in" because I wanted to have that moment. A moment of semi-normalness that I didn't have the last few months of school. I wanted that opportunity to feel like I actually finished. So, I turned on my camera and I hit the record button. I took a deep breath and clicked the submit button. I had officially submitted my final college assignment (it was a 20 page paper btw haha). It looked small, but it felt oh so big. I screamed to my parents that "I was done" and they yelled back a "congratulations!" Then I went to grab my cap and moved my tassel from right to left. I had officially graduated. Although the moment was amazing, it still didn't feel like I did it right. I was now in limbo. Over the next few days my siblings and family gave me flowers and gifts that made me feel like "oh, maybe I actually did finish" and those things made me smile. However, it wasn't until June 13, 2020 that I felt like an actual graduate. I knew months ago that I wanted to do a makeshift commencement ceremony at our house. I wanted my family there, I wanted to dress up, and damn it I wanted to walk a stage. So, that is what we did:

My grandparents had decided to visit that morning and see the family because corona kept us from each other for way to long. So about a week before, we decided to also do a graduation ceremony while they were down. We didn't even tell them until they got here because we thought I'd be a fun surprise(it was). But we decided to make a brunch type of meal and have cake too. I didn't expect a whole lot because we were limited, but it was pretty special for me.

I am not one for attention. Sometimes I feel as though I don't deserve the attention and I shy away, which is semi ironic because I am not very quiet. This day was no exception, I still felt weird when everyone was looking at me, but it was a good weird. We were finally celebrating the fact I graduated college. A dream that seemed at times that I would never reach. I walked on my back porch waving and smiling awkwardly, as one does. I shook my grandmas hand as she hands me a degree my sister made that was placed perfectly in a picture frame. I smiled towards the camera and laughed because the ceremony was all too fitting for my family. It was us in a nutshell.

Then came speeches, my mom was prepared and had a whole thing written out. It was fabulous. Then grandma and grandpa who shed some wisdom and love. My sister, who roasted me, but then made me smile so wide. My dad, who started tearing up and all he could get out was that "I'm great" (he isn't wrong tho). Then my brother, who isn't a speaker, still showed me love. Lastly, my brother in law who reminded me that I set my mind to something and I did it. Then came time for me to say something. I was not as prepared as my mom, so my speech that day kind of seemed all over the place so this is my redo:

My last 4 years have been anything but normal. Although, I did have some normal college experiences like living with roommates, drinking till I regretted it, and skipping classes, my life has never been normal. I have continuously struggled through challenges and obstacles. I have laughed until I cried and cried until my eyes were dried out. Life is never flat, it has curves, both up and down. Sometimes throughout these 4 years I would be down and wasn't sure when I would reach the top again. Some days seemed like I would never complete the OU dynasty that my family had laid out for me or that I felt was my destiny. It was hard, moving away and then moving back home. Then moving back out again when I felt even more scared. I have always struggled with anxiety. It is something I still struggle with and being in college taught me so much about myself and how to cope with those things. You get to be surrounded by so many people and professors who give you new perspectives on life and living and it is such a sight to see. I have always been an observer and I've been so lucky to have been able to observe, study, and feel home at Ohio University. Although, there were some days I wasn't sure when I would reach the top of the curve, OU, my professors, and my family and friends would always make sure I'd get there. Whether I was struggling with school, anxiety, or just being home sick I had people to help me climb those mountains and enjoy the happiness. I wouldn't have gotten through college without them. My professors for actively teaching me with passion and communicating with care. My mom for peer editing almost every single paper I've written in the last 4 years. My dad who would facetime me almost everyday to just check in and make me laugh. My sister who not only taught 100+ students everyday, but took the time to teach me as well. My brother for helping me with technology when I felt stupid. My brother in law for being there to motivate me creatively. My grandparents for writing me letters and sending me funny pictures and comic strips just to brighten my day. My friends who knew my struggles and stood by me anyway. Without all of you my college experience would not have been as great as it was. Without you guys I would not have been able to sit in front of you and say "I did it," so, thank you. Thank you for always encouraging me to continue even when I felt stuck at the bottom of the hill. Thank you for being there with me for when I reached the top. The view is great and I am so glad you are all here to see it with me.

Thank you.

Sincerely Bobcat alumni 2020


I hope this time, when I had time to think about what I would say, I said it gracefully. I really wanted to express how grateful I am to have had the ability to go to college and graduate in 4 years with a degree I am super proud of (my degree has shipped too, so I will finally have it in person!!). I am so excited for the future and what is to come. Next goal, find a job I love, and work passionately at it. Thank you to everyone, I love you. Cheers to being a bobcat for life and to find my next great adventure!!!!!

Murder in the Family (Book Nook)

This book nook is all about a trilogy I read that is quite fantastic. I read this in the beginning of 2020 and it was so good. I picked up the first book, thinking it was a stand alone story, and when I finished it realized there were 2 more books to follow. The series I am talking about is, "I Hunt Killers" series by Barry Lyga. Let me tell you how great these books are and how you NEED to read them.

Starting off with book 1, "I Hunt Killers." I could not put this book down when I started it. It is about a boy named Jazz whose father is the most notorious serial killer named Billy Dent. The story follows Jazz as he battles a mental challenge of becoming his dad. When he was little, his mom left, and his dad would take him along to his killings and have him help. So now that he is 17, almost 18, he is trying to combat the instincts he has from his dad. However, you can tell as you read that Jazz is not his father, no matter how much he thinks he is. The first of the series really focuses on the characters and the relationships between them. They introduce Jazz as someone who has great instincts in finding serial killers and is trying to help the police find the newest one called the Impressionist. That is as far as I'll go in telling you about this book because I will not give anything away.

The second in the series is called "Game" and damn damn damn, this was a journey. I will try to give a vague summary because if I go too much into detail, it'll give away what happens in book number 1. Basically, Jazz becomes more help to the police, but eventually it gets him in a sticky situation. The people he involves himself with are all game pieces in an overarching mess of craziness. It is hard to explain without reading the first one, so you are going to just have to trust me, it is a good read.

Lastly, "Blood of My Blood," holy shit. What a crazy ending. Things you do not expect to happen, happen. Also, there is a twist at the ending and honestly the end is pretty damn satisfying. It gives good closure and does not leave any important questions unanswered. I felt pretty happy reading the ending, although I really did not want the series to end. I think the 3rd book did an amazing job ending it in an exciting way, but in a way that the readers weren't too angry. Also, the whole middle part literally kept me reading for hours. The intensity of the stories would not let up and that is what I liked best about it. There was always something new to learn and discover.

These books was fantastic and the stories were nothing like I'd read before. I think that is what I liked about this series, I usually do not gravitate towards murder thrillers, but recently they are all I have been reading. I think I found another genre I like. I really do suggest you read this series. It is intense, thrilling, dynamic, and keeps your interest. Not all stories are interesting on every single page, but this one is. From the character introductions to the dramatic endings, these books never got boring.

Favorite Character: I literally love Jazz, Connie, and Howie. Connie is Jazzs' girlfriend and Howie is the best friend. I love their character dynamics alone and with each other. Jazz is just amazing, he has great instincts and his confidence is admirable. Connie is brave, caring, and ambitious. She wants to help Jazz and still loves him no matter what crazy shit happens. Howie is comedic relief and loyal. He is Jazzs' friend no matter what he gets him into and is always down to help even with his own problems going on. I just love the three of them and their friendship ♥

Favorite Quotes: N/A

Rating: ★★★★★

Playing Catch Up! (book nook 2019-2020)

Hey guys, you all know I love to write book reviews on my blog, but I have been really bad at keeping up with them. So, I am revamping the 'book nook' segment! For this post I will be quick reviewing all the books I have read and not reviewed since my last one in November (even typing that makes me so mad I haven't kept up with them).

So in this post, I will be summarizing my thoughts, favorite characters and quotes from all the books I have read since then. It may be a lot, but this post will have so many good recommendations you book worms are gonna scream!!! So let us get started! There may be spoilers, I'll try my best, but just know I warned you.

1. The Sun is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon (finished September 2019)
This book is an adorable love story. I loved reading it and it was a super quick, easy one too. This story had a little twist to it because it only takes place within one day. You also read the book from both of the characters perspectives, which I always enjoy. I would describe the relationship as a meet-cute turned whirling romance. Natasha and Daniel are two people with very different cultural backgrounds who fit the odds and fall in love. Except the ending is not exactly what you think, so read the book to find out!
Rating: ★★★★

Favorite character: It is hard to choose between Daniel and Natasha, I like them both for different reasons. Daniel for his going for his dreams no matter what and Natasha for her tenacity and strength.

Favorite quotes: "maybe part of falling in love with someone else is also falling in love with yourself."

"It's not up to you to help other people fit you into a box."

2. One of us is Lying by Karen M. McManus (finished October 2019)
This book is great, ask my sister. She read this book in just a few days, it was THAT good. It is about 5 unlikely strangers go into detention and only 4 come out, one is dead. Everyone in that room is a suspect and people have secrets. This book is mostly a thriller/mystery with only a hint of romance. The character dynamics are quite interesting, very reminiscent of the breakfast club. The characters each have their own personality and quirk about them; smart, popular, outcast, bad boy, and athlete. I really did not expect the ending, so another good one.
Rating: ★★★★★

Favorite Character: Bronwyn is the smart one in the group who reminded me a lot of myself. She cared about school and felt like she had to be someone. I also liked the relationship between her and resident bad boy, Nate. Their relationship development was great to read and added to the story.

Favorite Quotes: N/A

3. All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven (finished November 2019)
This book made me SOB. I have not cried this much reading since The Fault in Our Stars, I think I cried more to this book too. It was just so heart wrenching at the end and I will not give anything away, but bring tissues. This story is about a boy named Finch and a girl named Violet. Both struggle with mental health and through the story they find a connection with each other. The rest is history and the story is beautiful. Towards the end, there is one specific where all I did was cry while I read it. Totally and utterly heartbreaking. HOWEVER, even though it is a sadder story, I still recommend it. It is extremely well written and a story I think everyone should have the opportunity to read. It touches on important subjects, so please read it.
Rating: ★★★★★

Favorite Character: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME CHOOSE BETWEEN VIOLET AND FINCH.

Favorite Quotes: "Never bullshit a bullshitter."

"Before I die: Count for something. Be the person I'm meant to be and have that be enough. Know what it's like to have a best friend. Matter."

"I know life well enough to know you can't count on things staying around or standing still, no matter how much you want them to."

4. Unplugged by Donna Freitas (finished december 2019)
This book was a roller coaster and semi confusing, so I will try my best to explain it. There is a place called the App world where all these people live and are 'plugged in.' They eat virtually, they can do makeovers with model apps, and many other things we do on our phones. However, there is the real world where they are allowed to visit at a certain age. But, when the border to the real world closes Skye is mad. She had planned to go back and meet her sister and mom, people she loves. When she cuts corners to get the real world, her life is flipped upside down when family secrets and city secrets come to light. Also, I had about 2 chapters left of the book and as I was reading I realized there was gonna absolutely be no closure to the story, aka a big cliffhanger. But then I realized that there is a sequel and I got less mad haha. I'm just glad there is more to a very exciting story. Haven't read the second yet, but very eager to.
Rating:

Favorite character: Skye because she is badass and tenacious as hell. She is brave enough to face life and find out truths.

Favorite Quotes: N/A

5. Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson (finished December 2019)
This book is an oldie that I had never read before and I thought as an avid reader it was about time I sat down and did. It is also very short and fast, as when I was reading it, I was trying to finish another reading book challenge. This book is about a girl named Melinda who is an outcast and feels very lonely. Throughout the whole story we read flashbacks of her getting sexually assaulted by someone she goes to school with. The story brings light a very important topic and follows Melinda's growth as a survivor. This book was good, but not something I would pick off the shelf.
Rating:  : ★★★½

Favorite Character: Melinda because of her strength and growth throughout the novel

Favorite Quote: "The truth is not meant to harm us. It is meant to set us free."

6. Our Husband by Stephanie Bond (finished January 2020)
This book came out in the early 2000s and has a very interesting story line. Three separate women get called into the hospital because of a man. This man happened to be married to each woman and they didn't know until they all arrived. The man dies and now they are suspects and trying to figure how to split everything up with lawyers. It is a complicated story with very unique characters. I thoroughly enjoyed this book, it was different than most stories I read and the writing was really good. Plus the best part of this book was the relationship development between all three of the women. I recommend if you are in for some drama or soap opera type of story.
Rating:: ★★★★

Favorite character: Beatrix, the socialite of the three. She was the first wife of Raymond and her attitude was everything. I liked her cause she was confident and cocky, she also had spunk and tenacity as well. But she also had a softer side, which was great for her character.

Favorite Quote:  N/A

7. All in Pieces by Suzanne Young (finished January 2020)
I love the character relationships in this book holy moly. Savannah, the main character, is at Brooks academy, an alternative high school that is used a temporary detention center. She ended up there by defending her disabled brother in a violent way. Her relationship with dad is garbage and he does not take very good care of either of them, she mostly takes care of her little brother. At Brooks, a new student named Cameron with his own issues catches her attention. He has the perfect family with loving parents and a big house. However, Cameron is determ½ined to open Savannah's heart to his. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the relationship between these two and it is what makes the story so great. It is why I recommend this over and over again.
Rating: : ★★★★★

Favorite Character: Cameron has my entire heart. He is like the ideal, high expectation boyfriend that I always end up falling in love with that never exist in real life. So because of his personality, the way he cares for Savannah and her little brother, and how he never lets her go melts my heart. I love him.

Favorite Quotes: N/A

8. When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi (finished in April 2020)
This story is a memoir based on Paul, who is a neurosurgeon who gets diagnosed with lung cancer. He actually ends of dying and his wife finishes the book for him. I actually had to read this book for school and write a paper on it, but I am so happy I got to read this. I would have never picked it off the shelf myself, but I am so happy I got the chance to learn about Paul. I wish I could have known him or talked to him, he seems wise and passionate. I loved the way he wrote about his life, it shows how much passion and love he had for the things he did. I didn't know Paul, but I could relate to him and his story. Thank you Paul for sharing. I recommend, but it does hurt your heart at the end.
Rating: ★★★★½

Favorite Character: I love Paul

Favorite Quote: Too many to remember, please go read this

9. Dear Evan Hansen by Val Emich, Steven Levenson, Benj Pasek & Justin Paul (finished May 2020)
This was the last and most recent book I finished. I found this book through listening to the Broadway music on spotify. I loved the songs and decided it was time to read the story and understand what it all was about. This a true coming of age of age story about the main character Evan Hansen. He feels like an outcast, lonely, and very separated from his peers. He has many mental health problems including anxiety and depression. It was the perfect book to read for mental health awareness month because this story deals with topics such as suicide. I won't go to into detail the story, but please take the time to read the story and listen to the soundtrack, it is a special thing to have music with a story. It is one of the reasons I loved it so much, read it in 3 sittings. Fantastic.
Rating: ★★★★★

Favorite Character: I feel cliche saying Evan but he is such a well written and relatable character you just love him. His growth and personality is something I loved to read. I felt for him throughout the whole story and I just wanted to hug him so badly!

Favorite Quotes: "I wish that everything was different. I wish that I was a part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered, to anyone...."

"...but they don't want my actual feelings. They just want me to be okay, or least say that I am."

Well, I hope you enjoyed this post as much as I did writing it. These are all the books I have read since September of 2019. I also read a trilogy series called "I Hunt Killers" by Barry Lyga. I wanted to talk about that series in a separate post because I have a lot of thoughts, so I'll post that soon.

I hope you guys read some of these books or just continue to read during these times. I know life is weird right now, but one of my favorite things about books is their power of escape. It is a perfect thing to do when the real world feels too big. Stay safe, healthy, and read a book!!

Scanxiety

I get the same feeling every time I have a scan. It could be an MRI, PET, or a simple CT scan. No matter which, the feeling of fear and sickness fills my stomach. When I enter a hospital on the morning of a scan I am placed back to the person I was at the peak of my sickness. I start to put myself back to the days where I needed a wheelchair and I could barely lift my head. Why? Because every scan I have to check if my cancer has increased or decreased. Will I be that sick again or will I live to walk another few months without anxiety or fear, until the next scan?

I get that feeling because I am sick, whether I like to say that or not. I have always been sick, even on my healthiest days. I will always have cancer or be in remission from cancer, or be cancer free. But notice how all those still have the word 'cancer' in them. Well, that is because I can never forget I have this disease. It follows me like a lost puppy trailing behind me until I find home and it begs me to let it in. It is a tough pill to swallow, but it is one that I take daily.

I have always believed in a higher being. Someone who controls the universe whether that be God or not, I am not sure. Whoever that is, every time I lay in the machine, I talk to them. I usually just make conversation about my fears and if they could help me out at all. I'm not a person who prays a lot, but I feel prayer most in those 10 minutes.

Scans have always been the hardest thing for me. I fear them because they are foreign and unknown. Most of the cancer world is unknown as well, so for someone who fears that idea, they can have a hard time with this. Furthermore, cancer is unpredictable. I could be feeling extremely healthy and still my scan will show a centimeter growth and then my world crashes. It is hard to tell if something is out of the ordinary for a cancer patient because most of our life already is. So, for me, I start to get paranoid. Feeling my neck for lumps, thinking a cough is more than that, believing that every little ailment I have is another cancer cell knocking on the door crashing the party I never invited them to.

We, in the survivor community, call this scanxiety. A mix of the words scan and anxiety. It is a fear of what the picture will say and a fear that life as we know will change with one look. It is not an easy thing to overcome and I don't know if it will ever get easier. As long as I live I will have to go to scans, whether they are weeks, months, or years apart, scans will come and go. And every time I will get that same feeling of fear, but this time seated beside me, a feeling of hope too.

4 years

I have been thinking a lot about the last 4 years of my life. Not the 4 years of high school or my 4 years of college, but the 4 years of living with cancer. It is crazy because in the wide scope of life 4 years is nothing. But in reality that is quite a good chunk of time, especially in dealing with a severe illness.

I am writing this exactly a week before my 4 year diagnosis anniversary. Today I just happened to go to a website called Caring Bridge. If any of you remember this website, it was used back in 2016 by my family in order to share news about my first battle with cancer. I haven't read it in 3 years, but I am glad I went back and looked. Damn, you guys are so nice. It was really special to be able to go back and read the things people said about me and all the prayers and thoughts that people were passing on. I know my mom was the most frequent poster, but I could see all the comments and they made me smile. A few made me laugh so hard because they just reminded me of who my family is. I used to hate Caring Bridge because I wanted to keep my cancer journey out of the eyes of extended family and people who I knew were just interested in why I was missing so much school. I didn't want to be known as the person who had cancer. But eventually that secret was just too much of a burden and I let everyone know through Instagram (pretty sure this is still my most liked/commented on post) and let my family create a Caring Bridge page. During these posts I wouldn't read or hear about a single thing being written because I didn't want to hear all those nice things. It made me feel pitied and sad. I didn't like having people who knew me as someone else, read about all the struggles I was going through. It felt too vulnerable for me. But now as I look at it, I am glad it was made. I am glad it made my mom feel like she had someone to talk to. I am glad it was something that people could come onto and share their wishes for me. I am also glad it made connections for fundraisers and other great events. I am glad I could look back on it and understand what my family was going through. I am glad it was there for people when I couldn't be.

4 years is crazy to think about because 4 years ago I was in a hospital getting a chest scan waiting for my results. Then hours later I got some shit results that really took me by surprise. But now, 4 years later, I have changed so much. I mean even the decade freaking changed. I used to think that things in life were given to you because I grew up lucky and with people and things surrounding me that gave me security. But over time I learned that is the biggest mother f'in lie I've ever heard. Nothing in life is given to you for free. The first day of my last semester of college I was in a storytelling class (my class of the semester if you were curious). We read something called the spoon theory. The basis of the story is that you are only given a set amount of spoons each day when you are living with an illness. Anything you do can take that spoon away so you have to be conscious of the choices you make. You have to think about choices that the rest of the world, living healthy, don't have to. Not only that but you have to keep an extra spoon in your pocket because living with illness is unpredictable and you are only healthy until you are not. That brings me back to my point, nothing in life is just given to you, not even health. We have to work hard to keep ourselves healthy and always keep an extra spoon in case of an emergency. Yes, there are some things, like cancer, that are unpredictable but I've learned health is not just an diagnosis and then a treatment to fix it. Sure health is about your physical body, but it is so much more. Health is mind, love, happiness, sadness, eating right, exercising, resting, safety, support group, surviving and so many other things. Health is something that we have to work at because it isn't always guaranteed just like life. It is making sure our mind is healthy and our family and friends are there for us and us there for them. Yes, things such as cancer can put a wrench in our paths, but it is how we get out of these things that show us who we are.

We are not our disease, our illness, or our biggest struggle. We are human beings with feelings, thoughts, dreams, and goals. We are so much more than the worst thing that has happened to us. One of my worst fears when I was diagnosed was not death (although that is fucking terrifying), it was being labeled. Now usually I do not care what people think of me, but cancer was so scary that I thought it would consume me. There are still some things that happen or someone says something and it unintentionally reminds me of my past, but only for a moment. Then I find someway to reorganize myself and find the way back to reality. But at first being seen as 'the girl with cancer' was not only scary, but humiliating. A teen girl loses her hair and looks unhealthy. It was not the ideal look for my senior year of high school. I didn't want that to be the only thing people remember me for. I was so much more than that. I was spunky, sassy, kind, smart, a bookworm, a friend, and a student. Not to toot my horn, but I'd like to think i was pretty great. :)

Now in 2020, 4 years later, I am less than 100 days from graduating from college. I will have accomplished my biggest dream (for now, i always have more dreams). The thing I have been fighting for the most in the last 4 years and It is finally happening. I remember the first time I relapsed, we were in the hospital preparing for my stem cell transplant. I had my laptop and my binder out preparing to do homework which involved coding a whole website. I was tired, annoyed, and anxious about started chemo the following day, but all I could think about is this class is just one step closer to my degree. Furthermore, I firmly disagree in the idea that 'C's get degrees' because I am only looking for that 'A' and maybe an occasional 'B.' Either way all I wanted to do was graduate college because although I graduated high school, it wasn't the perfect way to end it. Even though my college career has been so far from perfect its nuts, it is mine. Cancer may be following me around, but I am leading. I am walking my own path, creating my own future, being the person I have always wanted to be before all this started.

Cancer may be a real bitch, but I am the baddest bitch so cheers to creating your own path and to 4 years of being here... :)

XOXO Haley